Invisible. Invisible illness, invisible pain, invisible struggles, invisible sacrifices, invisible compromises. My mind roars violently as it whispers things to me, things to me it always has. Things no one should hear from their own mind. Nightmares brew and rumble with agony and vengeance, echoing throughout the day. Exhaustion is just life sometimes when your own mind wages war upon you each and every night. Restful sleep is as much a fantasy as understanding , patience and reprieve.
Perform my dear. Perform the greatest performance of your life that all is well and you are strong and content. Perform so well you fool yourself while you snuggle into darkness and finally feel safe and when you faulted all you love will punish you, ridicule you and deem you selfish. My mind is a wicked, cruel beast.
Dreams have been mistreated, broken and lost. Hope is for other people and once again I am left to survive and endure when my mind wins yet another foolish battle I refused to court.
The more I smile with mascara laced lashes looking confident and proud, the more I am losing this war. Each hand that reaches toward me, the more I recoil and clench.
One soul keeps me grounded, existing, trying. Forever I will fight my demons for them but that is all it seems to be anymore. Fighting the hungry demons from crushing my bones to protect you.
Perhaps, some day it will be more than that. Perhaps some day I may lose.
