Psychological and emotional triggers have been a plenty in 2020. Sometimes it is hard to see the good in your life, in yourself or in other people. One of the most difficult things about my progress is how I look and seem “good”. I have survived for so long that attempting to do more than only survive has brought up an infinite amount of challenges. This year has muddied the waters on what defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms I still cling to and which I need to let go of. The eery truth is though the world basically looks like it is on fire, I am more at peace or at least closer to reaching it than I ever had been before. I am more calm in this chaos as there is a tangible reason or explanation for it, and so I am less stressed. Stress has been eating at my insides, dancing between my skin, seeping into my bones for such a long time. I still struggle with distressing and the actual concept of relaxing is still nearly impossible for me to put into practice, so much so that if I feel relaxed at all you can bet your ass, I’m passed out within seconds. I know most of my triggers and I work hard to not react to them. To not fall into my defense mechanisms and relapse. It’s my son and I against the world, or for it. You can be damn sure I will do everything in my power to give us the best life I can. A happy, peaceful life where we can be proud of who we are, love with open arms and feel safe to walk away from things and people who do not align with our needs at living a good life. The only way for my son to understand this, is to show him. Because actions or lack there of always speak louder than the sharpest or hollow words.
I am on my first break between semesters since winter break at the end of 2019 going into 2020. The worst I have been emotionally and mentally has been on this month break, the lull in my exponentially busy schedule. I have completed my first year in the mortuary science program with an overall GPA of 3.50. I was always a C student but between WSU and OCC I have from Fall 2019-Summer2020 earned; 6 A’s, 3 A-‘s, 2 B’s, 3 B+’s and 1 B-. So I suppose I am not a C student after all. I wish I could say it is because I am passionate about what I have been learning this year and for a few classes that may be true but for most, it isn’t. I suppose I didn’t realize how much I needed to be busy both physically and mentally to stabilize my mood. In the spring I began a huge project of clearing the yard for a garden. I grew from seeds and planted small starter plants and now in August, everything is lush, producing food and gorgeous flowers and looks a little like a scene from Jumanji at times. I had no idea gardening was such hard work! It is and my body and my mind absolutely have loved every second of it. I put up an above ground pool for my son (and let’s be real, for me too.) We’ve spent the summer on hammock’s, the swing set, in the dirt, in the pool, under the gazebo, bbq’ing most meals all while surrounded by fairy lights I put up along the fence, the trellis’s and some trees. It’s our little slice of summer heaven.
My son has had quite the adjustment period during this pandemic. His routines stolen, school’s closed, lack of socialization, inability to go shopping and so much more has been extremely difficult. Being able to spend so much time outside has been our greatest alley but I know another horrid Michigan winter is coming and they last often for 6 months and neither one of us likes that garbage.
So here we are world. Learning, changing and growing like my crazy garden, together. Looking for some peace in a time of chaos and uncertainty because together we can make it through this and I know that means we can make it through anything.
Be kind to one another, we are all scared and unsure of what’s to come.
Trigger: Cause (an event or situation) to happen or exist.
Examples of Emotional Trigger: someone rejecting you, someone leaving you, someone blaming or shaming you, someone being unavailable to you, someone ignoring you or discounting you, someone being critical of you, someone too busy for you, someone trying to control you, someone being needy or trying to smother you and helplessness over painful situations.
Psychological triggers: A trigger in psychology is a stimulus such as a smell, sound or sight that triggers feelings of trauma.
Defense Mechanism: a mental process (e.g., repression or projection) initiated, typically unconsciously, to avoid conscious conflict or anxiety.
Relapse: A deterioration in someone’s state of health after a temporary improvement.
Coping mechanisms: are strategies people often use in the face of stress and/or trauma to help manage painful or difficult emotions.
Stress: a feeling of emotional or physical tension.