Talking about my past with a nonchalant viewpoint is either proof I have moved beyond my past or that I have buried it so deeply into the depths of my being from the realization it doesn’t serve me to dwell. There comes these defining moments in your life where you have to make seemingly hard decisions (at the time) about the future, about your own future and about what you are willing to accept and what you are not. Whether you are willing to suffer or to hurt someone else. When I started to look at things in the perspective of “does this serve me?” and “is this the person I am?” or “is this the person I want to be?” as well as, “Is this what I deserve?” Everything changed as I imagined who I am, how far I’ve come, who I wanted to be and admitted to myself I do deserve more out of life than the sentence I gave myself so many years ago. When your mistakes haunt you past the point of forgiveness because you in fact do not forgive yourself, is it the price you deserve to pay or is it as simple as you not believing you deserve more? Making mistakes is a natural part of being human but I have found when you find your people, find someone you care deeply for, even love beyond your own normal comprehension; and they forgive you for something you deem unforgivable, well it is far more difficult to accept. Far more than any suffering I have endured and far more than I had ever imagined was even possible.
I have busted my ass for years working toward a better future, for myself and my son. To be worthy of that sort of forgiveness and to return that to those that have wronged me. I find myself more mentally, physically and emotionally stable and continuing to work hard in all aspects as we all are works of art in progress. I’ll admit it’s been a shit show of hard work folks but I am getting through it and isn’t that the point? We can all get through our struggle and face anything if we can find a way to believe in ourselves a little more. It’s important I see how far I have climbed from the belly of the beast that tried to consume me, feeding on my darkness. Each day I take a little more effort into believing I deserve more and sometimes I say it out loud and cringe in disbelief. Each time I say it, though I know it has begun to break the walls I erected around me a little more each day, I feel the cringe as my body clenches in the muscle memory scream of “No!” Each day it turns the volume down a fraction, the strength behind the response is less severe and releases me sooner. I put these walls up to protect myself from outside forces because I had learned that people break your trust, break your heart and break you. That particular venom that spreads and festers begins with trust, hope and love. Sure, being the one who loves a little less than the other protects you when things crumble to the ground but when starting anything with this sort of foundation it becomes a self-fulling prophecy of “see I told you” when things crash or burn or on the bad days when it feels as if everything is and will go wrong. In the end being right does not result in wining, in happiness or becoming the best version of yourself. You can’t really be a part of something magical if you’ve got your heart on the safety eject button. There has been too much pain in my life that I have experienced and witnessed in more fashions than I would care to admit and have felt in ways I wish I had not that I can truly understand anyone unwilling to be vulnerable enough to surpass those fears because hell, I am terrified of that. Sometimes I even think I am incapable of it. Anytime a true feeling emerges from me it feels as if every cell in my body treats it as an infection it needs to fight and it goes to damn war. I used to revel in the idea of being a jaded, cynical pessimist. It’s not that I feel its an entirely mistaken point of view but rather closed minded, a view of someone who from experience has been hurt. It’s one sided and the universe is nothing if not in a constant battle of balance always working toward some version of harmony. In those terms I can relate, as I had always felt the struggle to balance those parts of me at war. As I experienced joy and happiness a flicker of terror surfaced instantly just below my skin with warning of pain and hollowness that will infect me when whatever it is that is making me feel, is gone. Feelings are contagious terrifying lapses in judgment. As much as my rational mind knows it’s not true, some days thats more difficult to remind myself than others. Feelings ache in my muscles and joints, burn my skin, swarm in my mind, revoke my sleep and plague me until I succumb to them, numb from them or allow them to consume me. As I grow older; listen and watch more versus reacting, I have found my defense mechanisms do not serve me and I’m not going to lie, this is a hard pill to swallow and even more so to change.
Here’s the thing though, I still dare to try. To risk my sanity, my heart and as terrifying as it always is there are these moments where things do actually work out. (Also terrifying btw) That is where you find yourself, where you find your connection to others, to love and to hope. To be more vulnerable is scary as fuck and a gigantic struggle for me but I will continue to try.
To live, to love, to be open to all the alternative versions you can be if only you allow yourself to be the best version of yourself and strive to better than the version of yourself yesterday, is a purpose I can stand with.
Hindsight teaches me the lessons I needed to learn and peace, it comes from letting going and learning those lessons.
Be kind to each other and be kind to yourself.
