One of the worst parts of having CPTSD is knowing a conversation is too much, being incapable of saying that and just experiencing it like an extension of trauma. All while going through therapy to deal with whatever trauma caused the shit in the first place. All while loud sounds have you jumping out of your skin. People who thought you knew they were walking up to, seem to suddenly appear before your eyes, startling every fiber of your being. Your memory is blank for so much of your past that you clutch on to random memories trying to find yourself lost in the matrix. Then there are the nightmares, which fight through your ambien because the one thing you need is rest, to feel safe, to unclench every muscle in your body and breathe for more than just survival, but not tonight because they scream. They scream twisted versions of everything you’ve survived, every night. Everything you might have to survive in the future.
And disassociating, is somehow the worst of all. You’re not present for the trauma (incident/s,) maybe you remember or maybe you don’t. Maybe you just remember the stories of it, or rather the stories told to you. But the guilt. The consequences, of whatever may have happened during the time you disassociated, they live on, they replay, fester and torture.
And all of that makes being bipolar look like a walk in the park. Because hell, it’s just a handful of manic days where you have a really good time being yourself and everyone thinks you’re amazing and a long string of depression filling up the space in between. The ADHD, is simple and barely worth mentioning. With no ability to focus and the constant dread of being overwhelmed while simultaneously bored, because you just go really fast in your head while your body remains cocooned in a blanket like a hostage negotiating burrito blanket. And when you sandwich all of that together, you get me. A walking, talking disorder pamphlet just trying to get through the day without blowing up her own life or anyone else’s. Pretty, smart, talented are an irrelevant bonus feature. Survivors are just victims who are still here.
Although I don’t have bipolar, I do struggle with mental illness. This resonated with me. I can’t imagine what mental health feels like. Every fiber of my being wants to be normal, but I don’t think I can. It does help a little seeing your strength. Big hugs my dear friend. ❤ btw this is Ron.