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Starting over…again


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Lean in

Lean in, to joy and love. Lean into hope and dreams. LEAN IN.

Especially when fear challenges you. Lean into the excitement for your life and watch it sprinkle into everything you touch. Watch it expand to the people you cherish. Put in the work, into everything you do and reap the benefits.

Always be kind to yourself and others,

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Real Life

In the past an upcoming doctor’s appointment might flair my anxiety. My mind would dwell on all the possible outcomes so that I could prepare for what may come. We all know I would have circled the dark outcomes.

This morning I woke up surrounded by love. In the arms of my love. In Michigan we have been in a bit of a heat wave this week and knew it wouldn’t be long after my appointment before it was 102 degrees out and I believe it was already 90 degrees while we drove almost an hour to my appointment. It was hot as hell all day but the three of us didn’t seem to mind all that much. John got us coffee on the way and while I was there he took our teenager to the park. I know it would probably seem weird to most that I was smiling and making jokes early in the morning on a scaldingly hot day at a mammogram appointment, but I was. When it was over I let John know I was done. I went out into the heat and pulled out my book and read for a few minutes happily before my family came to get me. When they pulled up I could see both of them beaming smiles at me. We drove along Lake St. Clair and stopped at restaurant where my best friend met us for lunch. Everyone smashed their food, chatting and hanging out by the water. She observed for the first time the incredible strides my son has taken in the last six-months, proudly delighted. When we were finished there was no Michigan goodbye because it was 102 degrees! We said our reasonably lengthened goodbyes, (this is where John realized we left Mr teenagers cup and he dashed back to retrieve it, successfully) then headed home. Later we went out to check on the garden and Mr teenager joined us to pick raspberries and strawberries. You could hear the “nom nom” while he “nom nommed” from across the yard. It makes me smile right now while writing this. Picturing us all nurturing the garden and picking berries.

This was the sort of day I thought was only fictional. It was also a lesson in perspective. My man made sure I felt safe and loved on a day that could have been terrifying if I focused on the wrong parts. It was a wonderful day spent together even if it was a little too hot and humid and I had to get my boobs smashed for science. This is what they meant when they said how important family is. I love my family.

I love my life.

Be kind to yourself and to others.

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Dear John,

Dried flowers hang above floating books while fresh ruby sunflowers dress the space below. Coffee wafts in the air from a candle I lit while cleaning as I dance and sing along to my current playlist. For a moment I forget about the stresses in my life that climb onto my back like a live action caricature. I haven’t developed some new tactic to control the fear and darkness flowing through me but rather I found something worth much more than surviving simply with masking or restructuring who I am for the rest of the world. I found the one who makes me believe in magic, the way I did before the universe beat me down. I may struggle and panic myself into another galaxy but I feel safe when you’re near. To fight my demons, to dream, to hope and to love. So fuck you for that, but also thank you.

P.S. Does this count as writing?

listening to Tenacious D from The Croods a new age

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Risk adverse

She hid away once again as the pain was far too great to bare and though she longed to feel joy, it made her skin itch and her bones ache. Her scars continued to bleed, drowning her hopes and fears. She began to fade into the warm comfort of darkness because her gift was for others and they craved it but each time it killed another piece of her and would continue to do so until she was merely ash and memories. She wondered if then the evil in her nightmares would finally set her free. 

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Starting over… again

I am about to get real honest with my little ‘summary of the last year’ as I start over… again.

I didn’t go to my graduation. I couldn’t afford the regalia. I regret it a little now, not being able to walk across the stage and have my hard work acknowledged because it truly was grueling. My GPA dropped below the 3.7 I had held throughout my 3 years at university, after the incident. Yet, I managed to finish my bachelors degree. Even through the interrogations from my now ex, boyfriend. I felt unsafe. Around others, alone, out in public and even in my own home. I was terrified of people but especially any male friends.
“What were you wearing?”
“How drunk were you?”
“Are you sure you told him he couldn’t stay there?”
“Are you sure nothing happened?”
Others were shocked and asked, “are you sure you’re not interrupting the situation wrong?” Adding, “that doesn’t sound like him.”
I stopped writing. Turned down acting jobs. I didn’t apply to the nursing program after completing my psychology degree with a minor in public health and all of the prerequisites required, even though that was the plan I had been working toward for years. I felt unsafe, unheard, ignored and the normal feeling of “are you over this yet” leeching off of people was suffocating. Over a decade of therapy, 4+ years of trauma therapy dealing with my bipolar, CPTSD, ADHD, anxiety and severe depression. There I was in another hole like trash trying to fight to get out of it. I’ve cut many people out of my life. People I cared deeply about knowing I will never be anything more than a survivor if I don’t drastically change my life. I know I take some things to extremes to avoid plausible risks and I also know that I have allowed some behavior because I was worried that I was overreacting or just reacting to an extreme. My plans to create a better future for my son were unravel by my own hand and a missed threat assessment and plainly, poor character judgment sandwiched between all the stress from my overflowing plate. Nobody is perfect so just be honest and real. Fuck people’s potential. Fuck my potential. Just be who you are.
I will keep working on how to trust again, mostly I mean myself. Which reactions are good instincts versus those that are a trauma response. Until then, I’m not available. To anyone, for anything. Those I chose to be in my life, are. There is no confusion. Everyone else, Godspeed, I hope you’re healthy and happy. Don’t contact me. I need to heal. I need to feel safe. If that wasn’t fucking apparent by now.

originally posted April 17, 2023

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